Saturday, 30 January 2016

Opposite Sex Pen Pals: Love in a Digital World

Living in a super connected world, it is not uncommon to come across good looking people on social networking sites. Sometimes, we do feel like sending a friend request. But, perhaps we should think twice especially if the person is of the opposite sex.

Why do we befriend people whom we know we cannot meet in real life? Why are we digitising love/ lust?It is because we are insecure. Insecure that we do not have enough people in real life to enjoy and have fun with. So here are some pointers to recognize the faults in our stars and make amends.


  •  If you send a friend request to a person of the opposite sex, the infatuation is purely physical (for reasons other than work/business). You do not need to know the other person. Rather, the mystique is more intriguing.
  • You have a lot of free time on hand. Rather, try talking to your other 'real' friends. Switch from digital to real. When we talk to people on text, we do not come to know their gestures and how they react in certain situations. Text is only guesswork of what could be. If you haven't met the person in person, it would be hard for you to imagine their body language in real life. Texting cannot replace spontaneity. When we talk to someone in person, their responses are spontaneous. But texting is a designed response. You do not know the tone or context in which something is said.
  • You want cheap thrills. Opposite sex pen pals tend to ask for nude pictures. There is no emotional baggage attached on the side of the other person. They cannot be judged in real life because if you do not know their friends, they are not bothered about their reputation.

If you currently have an opposite sex pen pal, these things are an absolute no - no:
  • Do not send nude pictures or receive them. Because you could find them on google someday. Anyone can google it. Because we all know what google is and it is 2016 honey. (It could be other search engines as well)
  • Do not be cheesy as fuck and try to make videos/ animations/ birthday wishes for your pen pal. Okay, the plus point is that you would learn to do something new/ new software. But since it is a pen pal, it won't be appreciated proportionate to the amount of effort you put in. They could at the most say 'Thank You'.
  • Do not check if they are online thousand times a day. This only shows how many times they run through your mind (they must be tired of running around all the time as well). Give your mind a rest.
  • If you have asked your pen pal to meet you (if you happen to be in the same city at the same time), and they refuse, then something is wrong. Perhaps they want to just remain pen pals. But if you have fallen for them and are feeling stupid already for being dissed, it is high time for you to break the vicious cycle and get moving with life. 
  • And last but not the least, do not over - analyse. Do not make stories in your head of what could be. Love is one thing which cannot be obtained through hard work, unlike other things in life. Love cannot be forced. It is nurtured. If looking at a picture of someone makes your heart beat faster, it is lust. Love is a need and requires some fulfillment. But romance, romance is beyond love and lust, it is a pure feeling. Love and romance can overlap too. Are you after lust, love or romance? I think you know your answer.
So can we emerge a better, stronger person? Of course. If you have had an opposite sex pen pal and are trying to get out of the cycle, try these things. Trust me, it is helpful. (some corrective measures

  •  Pinch a spot, say the back of your knee every time you think of your pen pal. Of course you do not want to pinch yourself 50 times everyday so over time, the pinching will reduce and with it the number of times you think of that person.
  • Remove him/ her from your Facebook friends list, Instagram, unlink from LinkedIn (perhaps you had hopes of meeting on the professional front?) and contact list. If you have memorized their mobile number, it will slowly fade from your memory with time.
  • If you are super shy, a solution exists for you as well. There are fake boyfriend/ girlfriend apps similar to Siri/ S Voice/ Cortana with which you can talk. Every problem has an app solution. But of course! Just go to the play store honey. You can choose to build castles in your mind with a digital auto generated code driven reply and live in your own digital bubble. 
  • Do not blame the pen pal. After all he/ she is a person. If you have shared personal details about each other's lives, respect privacy and do not spew them out in public. If things did not work out and you feel disappointed, it is okay to feel so. You cannot expect people to behave/respond the way you want them to. This is the reason for disappointment. 
  • If it bothers you a lot, you could write a nice email/ message stating your thoughts to the pen pal. Tell them that it pains you and you want to withdraw politely if you do not see the scope and feel trapped (do not sound clingy). It is better to not let things hanging and clarify everything. Deal with it like an adult. Trust me, the other person will appreciate it a lot if you tell them. Everyone has emotions. They will understand. 
  • Surprisingly, it is easy to get over the infatuation with a pen pal. Since you haven't seen them or say have had a meal with them face to face, eye to eye, the physical connect is non existent anyway. Therefore, if you stop talking to them for about 2 months, it will fade. This can be backed by the saying which has been proved valid through the sands of time - time heals.
  • Let's get real. If we want something, let's go on real face to face dates and for that span of time, disconnect from the virtual world to connect with the other person on level zero. By date, we always tend to think that it will or has to lead to a kiss or holding hands to begin with. But dates can be purely innocent. Just give all your attention to one person without thinking it will materialize into something. Hear the music in people. If you are a wandering soul in this world and feel lonely, have faith. One day, your chords will resonate and that feeling will be beautiful. No one can steal your symphony. 

That said, some of us might think it is not easy to go on a date. But it's just about putting ourselves out there. Some of us might hit bullseye in the first go, some of us try harder. It is not destiny. No one wrote it in stone. God didn't say that you will find love at a particular point of time.

You make your own destiny. Because you are energy- clean, pure and powerful. And, YOLO.
I wish you all the happiness in the world but some sad/ painful bits as well. They will make you cherish the happy moments even more. May the stars watch over you.

These views are personal and not aimed at anyone in particular. I request you to not follow my views blindly but build your own, based on your experience. Consider this as a Ziegler Natta catalyst.


Harshikerfuffle